Without fail
I always make myself feel more and more insecure..
One minute left
Sitting here thinking. I should be a lot more confident about myself. But instead I’m extremely insecure. I don’t know why. It makes me really sad. I’ve been told that I look like I’m really proud of myself and whatnot, but the truth is I’m not. I don’t know what to do about it. Right now I just want to run.
Guilt.
I’m having the time of my life, but I can’t help but feel guilty. And at the same time a little sad. I’m happy. I have freedom, no restrictions on what I can and cannot do. But I know you’re not happy. And its my fault that you’re not happy. I also can’t help but feel vulnerable. I feel like I’m in the 8th grade all over again. There’s always someone prettier, someone nicer, someone with a nicer body, someone smarter. I don’t think anyone realizes how insecure I am. And they don’t know why. It’s about to be the new year. I’m gonna end 2011 with a big bang. I’m determined.
I’m fucking buzzin right now.
A shot of henny and monster as a chaser. I’m a lightweight. I’m feelin this shit. Heard about Fred’s death this evening. I want to fucking cry. He was such a sweetheart. Life is unfair. Sometimes I think about past incidents and I wonder, “what the fuck happened?” and I’m asking that tonight. Not because of Fred. Just everything. I’m not happy. I’m not feelin’ life right now. People are fucking stupid. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this shit. Now I’m gonna go get me some Jack in the Box. Life is great. Siiiiike. But food is. I’m fucking sick and coughing up a storm. Meh.
Even though I probably shouldn’t,
You still make me feel like shit and I really wish we could have been friends. I feel like I try to hard to be nice to people, and I go out of my way to help people. And the only time something bothers and angers me the most is when I don’t get that back in return. I’m also extremely insecure. I’m always on Facebook, tumblr, and instagram just looking at photos of girls I know analyzing every detail of their face and body. I can’t help but feel the way I do. I blame my past, society, and the media. But what can I do? Not much. I’m not gonna cover my face in makeup to make me feel better. Even if I wanted to I don’t know how. I fail at being a girl. I never know what to wear anymore. I’m not comfortable in anything I try on at the stores. What the hell….. FMLFMLFML.
Wow.
People I trusted the most. Fuck all of you guys. I do too many nice things to be treated this way.
I think that,
I’m gonna cry myself to sleep. School tomorrow is extremely debatable. I need to get away. I can’t focus. I don’t know what to do with myself and there is no one there to help me deal with the pain. I don’t know how to handle the situation. I just want to disappear and be care free. I have TOO many responsibilities. I feel like I never got to experience high school the way I was supposed to. I’ve been working, trying to be a good student, girlfriend, aunt, sister, daughter, etc. I forgot about myself because I was trying to make everyone happy and trying to fit in. That came out really well. What fucking ever. I care too much about other people’s feelings. I go out of my way to help other people. All I do now is go to school, work, and drive. I bring Jasmine to school, I go to school, I pick up Lily from school, I bring Priscilla home, I’m exhausted, the next day I work at 6am, I deal with stupid customers all day, I come home, leave later to pick up Lily, try to do homework, and repeat it again. I finally have Thursdays off and now I don’t know what to do with myself. Friday I only have one class. Its nice to have days off to relax after working my butt off these past few years. But its too late. I’ve seen the bad effects of drinking and smoking so I don’t want to try it anymore. I feel no need to party or act crazy. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t have anyone at home to hang out with. I should be doing homework right now but I just can’t so I’m on this damn site, listening to Taylor Swift on pandora, and fighting with my boyfriend through text. I’m sorry I expect so much. I’m sorry I get angry over little things. I’m sorry I can’t function correctly. It’s not my fucking fault. And you always forget the stories as to why I act this way. You forget everything. I hate repeating myself. I wish there was someone who was there for me that would listen and remember, the way I do it for other people. I’m too nice to people. They never treat me the way I treat them. I’m always second best to everyone. For once, I just want to be important and special to someone. And right now, I don’t feel that way for anyone. No one appreciates how much I freaking do for them and it fucking sucks. I think I need to just get away from everyone for a while. But I have no where to go, nothing to do, and no money to spend. My life sucks. So much. I only find an escape in the books I (used to) read. I need more. I need to get away from reality. I hate this life.
